The Guitarist Glossary

Action – What you got when you were in high school because you played “Stairway to Heaven” at parties and what you no longer get because you are now 40 and play “Stairway to Heaven” at a parties.

Amp – A device used to increase the volume of the guitar that mysteriously starts out on 5 and by the end of the gig is on 10 despite the fact the guitarist “didn’t touch a thing”.

B.B. King Theory – The B.B. King theory states that it takes a shredder 1000 – 64th notes at 240 BPM in order to say what B.B. King can in one note. This theory is often used by a slow guitarist when debating a shredder.

Delay – A time-based effect that when used properly will mask crappy playing.

F-Hole – The drunk guy that just dumped his beer on your pedal board and deserves to be called more than an A-Hole. 

Finger Tone Theory – This theory states that x‘s (x = famous guitarist) tone has nothing to do with their equipment or equipment settings but is all in their fingers.   According to this theory x will sound like x even if they play a guitar that has a tin pie pan for a body, a bamboo shoot for the neck and was strung up with used dental floss.

Input – What the drummer gives way too much of at rehearsal to the guitarist and other actual musicians.

Nut – What you bust as you pick up your Fender Twin Reverb amp and shove it in the back of your Pinto.

Pick – Tool used to find the sound hole on your acoustic guitar.

Pickup – What the guitarist, drummer, and bass player do on the count of three when setting up the PA while the lead singer is “stuck in traffic”.

Spinal Tap Theory of Perceived Loudness – If you modify the spacing of the numbers on an amp’s volume knob so you can fit 11 instead of 10 digits the perceived loudness of the amp will be proportionately increased.  Peavey expanded on this theory by scrunching up the numbers enough to fit 12.  “My amp goes to 12, that’s 2 louder than your amp, B*tch!”

Tone – The quality and character of the guitar’s sound.  Tone is considered subjective by those who have sucky tone.

Whammy Bar – When the audience is unresponsive to your guitar solo , simply press down on the whammy bar, a.k.a magic wand, until it is completely depressed against the guitar body. You will  be magically propelled to guitar hero status. Note – making a well rehearsed facial expression depicting excruciating pain while casting this spell will increase its magical effect.

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