I Miss My Corner Guitar Store
It seems like more often than not I end up leaving the big box guitar stores completely frustrated. I go there with cash in hand looking to buy something but end up leaving with a headache from the noise and staff. One time I went to a chain guitar store to buy a Mesa Boogie Triaxis and 2:90 power amp. I made sure to go on a weekday in the middle of the afternoon to avoid the typical weekend zoo situation, hoping the sales staff could properly attend to me and I could really test it out without having to compete with a gang of kids practicing their Metallica songs at concert volume. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for when you are prepared to drop several thousand dollars in one purchase, but apparently it was.
After I told the sales person what I was there for he told me to grab a guitar while he got some cables. So I sat on a stool in front of the Mesa rig, guitar in hand, for about ten minutes while the sales guy shot the bull with the rest of the sales staff. It wasn’t like I wasn’t being entertained though, I got to see a kid that I would guess to be about seven pull a Gibson Zack Wylde Les Paul off a stand and literally drag it across the floor while his dad was in the acoustic room. Being slightly peeved I shouted across the store at the sales staff that I was still waiting. Finally the guy came back with some cables and spent the next fifteen minutes trying to get the Triaxis to work to no avail. I finally told him to get help, which he did. The next guy came over, messed with the cables for about thirty seconds, gave up and said its broke then took the guitar cable and plugged into a Mesa Boogie Triple Rectifier and said, just play this, its practically the same thing, and left. WTF?! At first I was mad, but then I though it would be more fun to get even. Yeah, I know, its immature.
How To Be Annoying At The Guitar Store
- When a sales person is talking to another customer listen in. After everything they say you say, “that’s what you think”.
- Ask the sales person for a pick, immediately put it in your pocket and leave the store.
- When you buy something small take it out of the bag and put it in your pocket. When the security person on the way out asks to check your bag and receipt and wants to know where the merchandise is accuse him of stealing it.
- Ask to borrow a pick and drop it repeatedly into the sound hole of an acoustic guitar, every time asking the same sale person to get it out for you.
- Plug into an amp right next to another customer and play the first part to “Dueling Banjos”. Stare at them as if waiting for them to play the second part, when they don’t yell, “I win” and proceed to the next customer. If no customers respond declare yourself the champ and take a victory lap around the store holding the guitar over your head.
- Wear earplugs while playing a Marshall stack really loud. When the sales guy asks you to turn down just keep screaming “what?”. When the sales guy finally turns it down for you take out the earplugs and ask if they got anything louder.
- Tell other customers you are Jack Butler and challenge them to a guitar duel for their soul.
- Wear a metal studded jacket and bracelets and ask to play the most expensive guitar in the store.
- Go to the pedal display and turn on all of the pedals making sure the delay pedals are maxed out then strum the guitar, set it down, and walk away. Watch as they panic to find out where the ever increasing wall of horrific noise is coming from.
- Turn an amp up loud and hold the end of the guitar cable in your hand instead of plugging it into the guitar. As it makes a loud buzzing noise flop around on the floor like you are being shocked.
- When another customer is butchering Steve Vai licks way too loud, stand in front of them and play air guitar to their playing.
- Ask lots of questions the sales person will not know. “What brand input jack is on this guitar?”, “How many layers of paint?”, “What is the peak frequency response of the neck pickup?”, etc. When they say they don’t know demand that they find out because it is very important to you.
- Try out a wah-wah pedal while wearing metal baseball cleats.
- Ask if they have a pedal that will make your guitar sound like (make a really annoying sound).
- Ask a sales person, “do you have any nice guitars or is this all you have?”.
- Ask for a guitar that is hung on the top row so the sales person has to climb to get it. When they hand it to you say in a egoistical manner, “you could at least tune if for me after making me wait for you to get it down”.
Got your own guitar store gripes or ways to get even, feel free to vent in the comments.